Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wanna know who you are, wanna know where to start. I wanna know what this means! Wanna know how you feel, wanna know what is real! I wanna know everything! Everything! I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you. I don't wanna talk about it. And I don't want a conversation, just wanna cry in front of you - Avril Lavigne, Fall to pieces.
(You see that smile right above? I lost it. If you ever come across it, can you kindly give it back to me?)
Firstly.. Let all congratulate me on..
FOUND-ING A JOB :D
Yes yes yes ! I found a job, WITH MINKY (L)
Gonna start work this saturday :} Yay, *excited* and my boss + seniors are super nice ^^Anyway it is 3.54am in the morning, I am not intending to sleep. Why? Idk, many things going on in my head right now. And my mood : Emoing in progress. It seems like a very long process to me y'know.
Scared? Afraid? That doesn't sound like me at all. But I really do feel scared. I'm afraid right now. For what? I'm afraid to see my results later on. I'm scared that I'll drop to normal stream. Bestie tell me that I will be able to promote successfully, but he doesn't know what kind of shitty effort I've been putting in the whole year. I did nothing but burning midnight oil for the final year exams. I know I should stay positive and crazy like before, but I can't do it now. I cannot do that. People always thought that, I don't care about my result. I may seem as if I'm a full time slacker and I'm nonchalant about my result, but who really knows what I feel? I should have started studying hard a long time ago but I just don't have the self discipline to. I think I spend too much time on my previous relationship to the extent that I don't even bother flipping my textbooks, going through some things. Being with Reuben, at least I did not spend that much time going out all the time, my result were relatively better, and at least I did a few of the homeworks at home. A few more than this year. I think I pretty much screwed my future.. Its too late for regrets yea? God, I don't wanna see my result tomorrow. I need somebody to stay by my side and lend me a shoulder, I need somebody.. I need him..
Depressing. I think I'm going to suffer from depression soon. I'm losing everything. My life, is taking a big turn. I've lost my chance of having a bright future. I lost a guy that loved me so dearly in the past and I actually dumped him for another who ended up calling me a bitch. Then now.. I lost another.. For what? I don't know. I just feel as if I didn't like him, and I dumped him cruelly. I sucks. I don't like myself at all now. I look into the mirror.. I feel disgusted. Its like, whenever I'm looking at my reflection.. My reflection tells me 'You're a bitch. You know that? Yes you do know you're a bitch, but you still carry on doing bitchy stuff. Making you more bitchy. You've already dumped that guy who fell in love with you head over heels and hurt him deeply. Now you want him back? What do you intend to do? Piece up his heart nice and perfectly then break it once more? Doubling the damage you've already did to him? You evil slut. You're the one that planned to make him fall in love with you. You're the one that thinks he's a playboy and tried to hurt him. Now you've got what you wanted. Happy? What the fuck do you want. Don't be a selfish bitch and start to consider how other people would feel. Fuck off, you're disgusting.' Yes and I do want him back again. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't leave him for a crappy reason like 'I don't like you' but I'm afraid to hurt him, causing me to lose the courage to love him whole-heartedly. Because I know myself very well.. If I could change my heart that easily in the past, I might actually changed my heart in the future as well. I want a unchanging heart. But it seems impossible. He keeps popping up in my mind out of the sudden. I keep thinking of him for no reasons. I smile/laugh at little things he talks about. I find it heartwarming whenever he tells me words of encouragement. I feel upset when he is stressed up. I feel ultra-depressed when he tells me how much pain I've caused him but its okay. Its love, isn't it? The past things that I've done to Reuben, is exactly what's holding me back. Even if he's okay with being hurt again, I don't feel okay hurting him once more. I'm afraid to love people. I'm afraid of everything now.. Somebody help me. To regain back my confidence, to regain our happiness.
I'm a emo bitch right now. Shit. And I'm using alot of uncouth languages in this bloody post. Pardon me. And don't ask me anything if you can't help. I might just flare.
The simplicity in life causes the complexity of life.
The simplicity of happiness causes the complication in it.
The simplicity in love causes the profoundity of it..
Love is so simple, that is why it is so complicated.
Labels: unconditional love but a changing heart
{♥} Mindy
Few things you should know about me :
I don't care about what you think of me as unless you're truly my friend
The way you treat me, will be the way I treat you
I'm not nice to mess with, show me your attitude, you'll get worse.
As I owe you nothing, you bitch-face (: [P.S Not applicable to nice peoples]
In a blissful relationship with a guy named Feri Phan ♥
And although he isn't my everything physically
But he is my everything, mentally
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